Pregnant Horn Dog

A fellow pregnant blogger, who shall remain nameless, prodded me into posting a discussion on pregnancy sex. Maybe she’s too embarrassed to write about her hormonal horniness on her blog because her family reads it. Can’t blame her there.

Truth be told, becoming a insatiable horn dog during pregnancy is completely normal and, I believe, should be enjoyed to its fullest. I’m not sure exactly why, but orgasms during pregnancy can be the best of your life! If you’ve ever had trouble reaching orgasm, it suddenly becomes easier and more abundant. I’m talking multiples here ladies! Of course, the more orgasms you have, the more you want. It’s like potato chips; you can’t be satisfied with just one.

There are a number of factors that contribute to a pregnant woman’s horniness. First, it’s the hormones that boost your libido.

Second, it’s a subconscious feeling of sexiness that can dominate one’s desire. This subconscious hot mama may be found stutting around in your vivid dreams. My god! I cannot tell you how many times I cheated on my husband and woke up to a juicy orgasm.

Third, it’s those big ol’ knockers. Who wouldn’t feel just a tad bit sexy with those Playboy tits?

Lastly, and most importantly, it’s the vagina (or should I say cheeseburger crotch?) that propels us into horndoggery. Besides the oddness of looking like you’ve stashed a cheeseburger in your panties, this big fat vagina does have its advantages. Enlarged + swollen = sensitive. Your vagina can be sensitive to touch, rubbing, or hey, even a bus ride with a nicely vibrating diesel engine. The more pregnant you are, the more sensitive your vagina will become.

If you’re in your third trimester, I dare you to try this experiment. Take off your clothing from the waist down. (Don’t forget to close the drapes and make sure your door is locked.) Lie on your bed or somewhere comfortable and touch your vagina. See? Did you feel that? Are you horny now?

Bring on the Labor!

When you’re overdue and busting at the seams, you might try anything to bring on active labor. Here are a few techniques that may or may not work for you, but hey, when you’re desperate, it might be worth a shot.

Castor Oil: I’ve heard it can bring on contractions that may lead to labor, but I’ve never been able to stomach the stuff. If your melon is more than ripe and you can manage to get it down without puking, go for it. But, before you down that nasty liquid, here’s some more info.

Raspberry Leaf Tea: Never tried it, but I’ve heard of women using it to bring on contractions. Most of the info out there says that the tea is primarily used to strengthen the uterus, by causing contractions, instead of brining on labor. Hmmm.

Rigorous Walks: Although it did help speed up “real contractions” once I was in labor, it didn’t do more than bring on many bouts of Braxton Hicks contractions that just fizzled out with both of my pregnancies.

Jumping Jacks: Uncomfortable, yes, but bouncing your baby on the cervix just may coax it into opening up. Don’t forget to wear a sports bra though. You don’t want to get black eyes.

Speaking of bouncing breasts, how about trying…

Nipple Stimulation: It’s been proven to bring on contractions. Now, if these “contractions” progress into real labor… that’s another story. I tried this technique many times but didn’t accomplish more than giving the lawn mower man a freak show. Doing it myself didn’t bring on any contractions. For me, it’s more exciting to have someone else do it. “Honey, can you come home from work now to stimulate my nipples?”

And, Honey, while you’re at it, how about trying some mercy sex?

Intercourse: With this method, there are a couple of factors that could contribute to real contractions and labor. First, anything bashing the cervix may help dilation. I wouldn’t suggest using any unusual foreign objects though. You don’t want to hurt yourself. Just a penis or a dildo should suffice. Second, orgasms can bring on contractions. And lastly, a sperm deposit–directly on the cervix–may help soften it and make you dilate.

If you can get a man, husband or otherwise, to have sex with you when you’re extremely pregnant, he’ll have to do all the work. And, if you get anywhere near as large and uncomfortable as I did with my first pregnancy, you’ll find that all you can do is lay there and graciously accept your, ahem, mercy fuck.

How Ripe is Your Melon?

“When will my baby be born?” is the question that plagues many women in those final, and longest, weeks of pregnancy. Besides having contractions, loosing the mucous plug or breaking water, here are a few things that may give you a hint as to when your little bundle may arrive.

First, the belly- if it looks like an oversized honeydew melon, with skin stretching to its limits and a dark line running from your pubic bone to your navel, that’s a good sign. You’re getting ripe baby!

Second, if you have an uncontrollable desire to clean the dust vents behind your refrigerator; re-landscape your backyard; wash all the baby clothes in Dreft and neatly fold them like you live to do laundry; and put together 20 years worth of boxed photos into albums, you could be getting close.

And last, if you’re feeling so downright uncomfortable, miserable and desperate to have the baby out that you pray for it almost constantly, that’s a really good sign. In those final days this burning desire usually becomes so strong it overshadows any apprehensions or fears you may have had about the labor and delivery, which is a good thing. Maybe it’s nature’s way of preparing you, mentally and physically, for childbirth. It’s too bad you usually have to undergo so much torture to get there though.

Check out Cecily’s Top Ten Things She Won’t Miss About Pregnancy. I think she’s getting pretty close!

If you’ve had all these signs for a week or more and still no baby, I can imagine you’d be loosing your freakin’ mind. Tune in next week for a discussion of desperate labor inducing techniques, if you haven’t already had your baby, that is.

Don't F*** With a Pregnant Woman

Pregnant women are usually given a lot more allowances– to be escorted to the front of a toilet line, to eat savagely in public, and to behave like a raving lunatic. I’m not sure it it’s the hormones, an instinctual reaction, or a subconscious decision for pregnant women to become more aggressive and demanding. Maybe it’s all those little discomforts of pregnancy that wear away your stamina and trigger that alpha attitude. A stone solid will not to loose an argument at any cost and a complete lack of tolerance for the intrusions and rudeness of others usually characterize this attitude. I can remember thinking, during my pregnancies, that if you didn’t have throbbing ankles, a painful herniated navel, headaches, heartburn and hemorrhoids, than you’d better not give me any shit!

Once, at eight months, I stood in a long line to return a broken clock. My sciatic nerve was killing me and I had to keep shifting my lumbering weight in order not to be overwhelmed by the pain. A woman, behind me in line, muttered something about her precious time and hustled herself towards the return counter. I stepped out, blocked her path, held her gaze and said, “Don’t you fucking dare.” Normally, I might have protested in a nicer tone, or maybe even let it go. I have to admit, at the time, playing the role of the evil pregnant witch felt damn good. This privilege is truly one of the plusses of pregnancy.

Nipple Cheese

If you’ve ever been pregnant and don’t know about nipple cheese, it might be because you’ve forgotten about this side effect of pregnancy, very much like how you forget the real pain of labor once it’s over. Or, you may not know of it because you’ve never had it. Not every woman experiences this during pregnancy.

If you’re still scratching your head, wondering just WTF I’m talking about, I’ll tell you. Nipple cheese is a collection of a white or yellowish stuff that builds up in between the cracks on your nipples. It’s usually comprised of body oils from sebaceous glands, dead skin cells and/or leakage of colostrum.

Now wait a minute… cracks? “What cracks?” you may ask.

During my first pregnancy, I was alarmed when I noticed my nipples cracking up. They broke apart into lots of little sections that most resemble taste buds. “What’s going on here? Psoriasis? Dermatitis? Skin Cancer?” I later learned that my milk ducts were coming to a head. Did you know that a woman’s nipple has between 20 to 50 milk ducts and milk can squirt out of each one of them? I foolishly thought that the milk would neatly come out of one hole. So, in these crevices between the milk ducts, you can get nipple cheese build up, even after pregnancy. I still get it and my baby’s almost four years old.

I thought about posting a pic of my cracked nipple, with said cheese, but thought better of it. Too gross. And, if I did, you might expect me to post pictures of my vagina when I talk about cheeseburger crotch. We won’t go there.

Welcome to My Blog

Thanks for coming by! I guess I should start, this very first post (OMG, it's my first post! I just can't stand it. It's just too freaking exciting! Just kidding.) by telling you a little about me and what I'd like to talk about.

You may or may not know that I wrote a book, Frankly Pregnant, which came out this spring. The reason I wrote the book was because no one ever told me all I really wanted to know about pregnancy and childbirth. Not even my own sister! She didn't tell me that I may feel baby hiccups in my rectum, that my nipples were going to crack apart, or that I would be entitled to a “pregnancy card” that would be quite handy when cutting a toilet line of 100 people.

Yeah, yeah, enough of my shameless book plug... What I'm really trying to get at here is this: While writing the book I interviewed hundreds of women, in person and on my web site, about their experiences with pregnancy and childbirth and guess what? I became completely obsessed with the subject of pregnancy. I've volunteered to be labor coaches for many of my friends; I continually interview everyone I know about their latest pregnancy experiences; and now I've become hooked on watching the developments of pregnant bloggers. Thanks Cecily, Gerah, Hairy Shoe Fairy, Cat, Imperfect Mommy, Morgan, Kelli, and Arwen for indulging me!

It's a miraculous thing- this baby-birthing business. It's also very confusing, scary, disgusting and hysterical. Although I'm not pregnant at the moment, I still would love to share with you the joys, embarrassments and terrors of the experience. So, will you share your pregnancy secrets with me? Will ya? Huh, huh?

Blog Build in Progress

Coming soon... Frank Pregnancy Talk. I'll discuss everything from C-sections to third nipples. No subject is taboo and I dare you to gross me out.